Hard Things

 Making an album is the hardest thing I have ever done that I have enjoyed doing. Technically being anorexic was "harder," but that wasn't something I really had control over or could help. Double Negative is a thing I did that no one asked me to do, no one forced me to, I had no motivation other than I Wanted To Do It, and so I did. 

I think too many people feel like they can't do things because they're too depressed or anxious or mentally ill. And there are a million and one caveats to that, and of course it requires nuance, but I'm talking about the percentage of people who have dreams or want to do some kind of creative endeavor but the mental challenge of simply starting is too much. And that was me, so I fucking know what I'm talking about. People dig themselves into a hole of their own suffering and feel they don't have the power to get out of it, and that if they stop identifying with their sadness they will lose the sympathy from others that comes with it. This is kind of true, to an extent. I used to feel so disgusted when I admitted I was happy. It felt like a loss of self. When I get over things it makes me feel like I’m leaving behind the past version of me who is scared and alone and is afraid to be abandoned and that makes me sad. I was always so alone and wanted that Thing so bad, and then when I move on it feels like a break between selves and I feel guilt. But there aren’t two different people that are me. I’m just myself. 

So I guess if you need to be the most miserable person you know (which a lot of people do) then this isn't really advice for you, but sometimes you need to stop telling yourself you get a pass because you're mentally ill. You don't, not always. You are your own biggest obstacle. You have to overcome yourself.

I am not trying to talk highly of myself when I'm saying this, but I've realized that I am far more dedicated and capable than I thought I was. I've always considered myself to be kind of a lazy person who never really had a passion or motive for anything, and then I discovered the concept of counting calories and getting 20,000 steps a day, and that was the thing I needed to devote myself to. I always thought things were just too hard for me because I was sad and there just wasn't a way for me to break out of it. The thing is, it doesn't really matter. It's going to be hard no matter what. If you have a dream, a goal, something you really want, it is never going to come easy to you, no matter what extenuating circumstances you hold. I am still sad. It's still really hard to things. But I do them anyway. I don't really have a method to it, I don't really know when the switch flipped. I just found something I really wanted to do, and so I'm doing it.